I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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