god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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