I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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