I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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