Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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