Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
