yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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