I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The uberlube is also flammable
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
