I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize