Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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