My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I have aggressive nipples.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
