He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
