girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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