i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
