I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
