Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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