Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
she told me i tasted like america
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Are we still banned from the library?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
