At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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