I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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