Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
