She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
