I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
