Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
