Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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