he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
How does it feel to date your dad?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
