just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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