my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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