no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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