his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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