You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
