i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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