My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
