I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
