We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
