so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
