I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize