I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
