its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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