Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
