my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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