i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Did we literally take a cab across the street
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
