Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
