May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
you never un-have a 4some
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
