I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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