I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize