I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
