If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
