dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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