Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
