i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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