We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
