I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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