: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
