I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
