i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Found the puke drawer
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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