Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
