apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
